


Semper Fidelis

by Rebekah_Zellers



Category: NCIS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2019-07-15 09:20:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16060145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rebekah_Zellers/pseuds/Rebekah_Zellers
Summary: Tony's Reflections as he closes a chapter of his life





	Semper Fidelis

Nobody really understood that Anthony DiNozzo Junior was a deep thinker; they didn’t’ realize how much he took things to heart. Ziva had broken his heart by leaving, but as he sat in the cool, November air all he could think about at that exact moment was how many times she had disappointed him. There were so many issues through the years; so little respect or regard for him as an agent or a man but still something made him love her. Was it really love, though? Could it have been an unspoken challenge to win her affection because she seemed as if he was a waste of time and effort? Could it have been that he was striving to gain something from her that hadn’t been attainable; something to make his hurt ease?

Listening to the sounds of his surroundings, the exhausted agent fought through thirteen years of mixed emotions when it came to Tim. He loved the guy like a brother; respected the agent that he is. There was a warm feeling that bubbled in his belly and reached his heart; he was so proud of the man. Yes, there was endless teasing, bickering and even the occasional belly bumping to claim territory, but all in all; they were partners.

Tony smiled as he thought about his relationship with Ellie. The woman was a total brain and was growing as an agent. Of every person that he had worked with on the team, Ellie was the first person to ever take the time to really point out to Tony his strengths. There were sisterly words of encouragement and wisdom that came when she wanted him to see that he wasn’t the man that he thought he was. In his mind, there were so few accomplishments that he could be proud of; so little that he could reflect on that would bring a smile to his face. Somehow, those things in his life that he thought he got so wrong looked different through Ellie colored glasses.

Ducky, his dear friend, Doctor Donald Mallard. Ducky had been a great source of reassurance of the years when Tony’s tolerance levels dipped to almost zero. The elder man would have an anecdote to tell that would distract him. Thinking over the almost sixteen years with NCIS, Tony lost count on how many cups of tea he had shared with him. They had their secrets too. Nobody knew that Tony was the first person to learn of Victoria’s death; he actually went with Ducky to make the funeral arrangements. They never knew that Tony was present when her tombstone was placed because Ducky was at a conference. They would be surprised to know that Tony had spent the first year of the major holidays with Ducky trying to help him get through it the best he could. Nobody would ever know that the night he was released from the hospital, his memory still a bit fuzzy and his heart broken because he thought EJ was dead, that Tony went directly to Ducky.

Shot in the chest and knee, Leroy Jethro Gibbs was fighting for his life. Vance pushes him to stop Daniel Budd pulled him away from where he felt that he needed to be. In his head, he knew that he was supposed to do his job and carry on. That is exactly what Gibbs would have done, but in his heart, he wanted to be there to make sure his mentor survived surgery. Gibbs survived without Tony and that really made Tony start to think. Why was he even needed on Team Gibbs? He couldn’t watch their six; Gibbs could have died, but he didn’t. Gibbs survived and hadn’t needed Tony holding his hand to do so. Shoot Budd should have given him a sense of closure, but all it did was make him realize the monster that he had become. NCIS turned him into a killing machine or had it. Why was it all so confusing?

Palmer, Jimmy Palmer.. The man, the father, the autopsy gremlin, but more than anything his friend. Jimmy was the person that could say anything to Tony and never hurt him. He was the one that Tony counted on to set him right. He was the one he wanted to talk to when everything in his head started to take on the appearance of looking through a kaleidoscope. Palmer was the one person that would always know where to find him without the use of a GPS; all he needed was his gut and heart.

“It’s cold out here,” Palmer said softly as he put a blanket around Tony’s shoulders. “Is the water talking to you this year?”

“No,” Tony sighed. “I can still picture myself running and shooting. I killed two men, dove into the water to get to Gibbs and Maddie. I killed two men without even giving it a second thought. Their blood is on my hands just like every other person that I have killed.”

“You killed in the line of duty,” Palmer turned to really look at his friend; seeing him for the first time. He was grieving, but for what? The lives that he had taken in the line of duty? For those that he lost? Those that he could not save? “If you had not neutralized the situation; they would have killed others. Possibly even children, Tony. They could have killed my daughter; my little girl. You should be proud of what you have done, Tony.”

“When I close my eyes,” Tony shut his eyes tight. “I can see Gibbs in that car; he was floating with his eyes open. Those damn eyes stayed open, Jimmy. I was doing CPR on the man while he was looking up at me. Those eyes haunt me.”

“You saved him,” Palmer praised lightly.

“He didn’t want to be saved; he told me that the next night. I went over and he was drunk; so drunk. He told me that he didn’t want to come back; he wanted to die. Just like when he was almost blown up; he headed to Mexico to deal with surviving.” Tony pulled the blanket closer to block out the cold that had nothing to do with the weather. “I think part of him did die in that explosion; he has not been the same towards me since. The time and energy that I have wasted trying to figure exactly what it was that I did that I let him down.”

“I don’t think you let him down, Tony.” Palmer moved so his shoulder was touching Tony’s. “I think that he longs for the child, he lost; the child that he never got to raise. You have been his family for sixteen years; there are emotions there that have to remind him of his daughter.”

“I never want him to forget her,” Tony’s eyes burned with tears. “I just want the Gibbs and DiNozzo that we were eight years ago. I miss him, Palmer. I miss my friend, my father figure, my mentor. I look in his eyes and they are empty. I don’t know if I did that to him. Jenny died because of me; I was supposed to protect her and keep her safe.”

“She wanted to die,” Palmer snipped. “Don’t you dare blame yourself for her death. Director Shephard knew what was doing that day; she called Mike Franks. She knew her fate; she picked to die the way she did. If you had been there that day with Ziva; you all would be dead. I can’t imagine a world without you in it, Tony. It may be wrong of me to be grateful, but I am grateful that she sent you away.”

“I’m leaving, Jimmy.” Tony’s voice shook as he spoke. “So much has happened in sixteen years; so many things that we cannot change. Kate, Paula and Jenny are dead; I should be dead not them. Dornie’s gone; his mother’s heart so full of love for the child that died a hero. Jackson’s gone; Tim’s father too. I know there aren’t many years left for my dad; I would be a fool not to realize that. I have loved and lost and lost again. Hell, I think I am lost.”

“Tony,” Palmer’s voice wavered.

“I don’t want to watch anyone else that I love die. Gibbs has escaped that fate more times than I dare to think about. Next time, he may not be so lucky. I can’t watch Ducky die or live with myself if I fail to protect Tim or Bishop. It has all grown too big and too hard; I am scared.” Blowing out a long breath, Tony stood with Palmer at his side. “I made myself a promise years ago that when fear became part of my everyday armor that I would quit before I caused someone harm. It’s time to quit.”

“I am going to miss you,” Palmer sobbed as he pulled Tony into a hug. “You have been a really good friend.”

“I’m still that, Gremlin. You won’t be getting rid of me that easily. I just can’t do this anymore; I can’t risk their lives.” Taking a long look out over the water, he thought about that day eight years ago when he held Gibbs’ life in his hands.

Turning to leave, Tony was shocked to find Gibbs standing behind them with tear filled eyes. “Thank you, Tony.” Gibbs managed to speak softly. “For everything.”

“Thank you, Gibbs. You saved me when I needed saved.” Nodding, Tony started towards his car with his hand Palmer’s back. Turning back for another look, Tony’s heart broke as he watched the strongest man he knew wipe the tears away. “Semper Fi!” The words danced across the water their meaning echoing in the hearts of all three men.


End file.
